I wanted to want

I wanted to want

to do things

I didn’t want to do things

but I wanted to want to

even with pudding for brains 

I kind of wanted to:

watch Ted Lasso and The Morning Show 

despite the suffering and sin of envy 

towards confident characters experiencing joy and growth

listen to podcasts like Conan O’Brien’s

and others with relationship advice and gossip

despite my lack of humor

or faith in my relationship

(envy)

scroll through Apple News looking for satisfaction 

in the elusive perfect article 

by the most thoughtful intelligent journalist

(envy)

read memoirs by Michelle

Barack

Julie Andrews

a famous physicist

a famous wildlife scientist

(envy)

attempt a crossword in the NY Times

at least a square here or there would be enough

I didn’t expect to complete every puzzle like my mom

(envy) 

But 

that was about it

and I was ashamed that I was just consuming content  

distracting myself from my pressing issues 

and neglected tasks

I’m just a lazy motherfucker 

that’s the whole story

I wanted to listen and to watch

but thats all

I wanted

Except, I did want to want 

to do things